'Oh, stuff and fluff!'

I'm really getting down now. Everyone I talk to is so excited, so busy planning and booking tickets, and I'm still stuck in the same routine that I've been in since October. I try and get on with my life but every so often I remember and my heart skips a beat a little bit as I check my phone, and of course there's never a missed call there. Mondays, I think 'maybe they'll sort out dates this week, maybe today I'll hear' and although I've done it a thousand times I calculate that 2.30pm is the earliest I'm likely to hear, since Disney will be 5 hours behind and, of course, they need to have at least half an hour to email yummy with my name. Half four inevitably arrives and my heart sinks because that's what time yummy's office hours are over, so I know I'm probably not going to hear after that although I only really stop looking at my phone at about 6pm, when I have to admit defeat. I then tell myself 'well maybe they've sent the email this afternoon, so yummy will get it in the morning' and so on and so forth. Thus continues my week until the weekend when I actually have a couple of days where I don't panic every time I realise I haven't checked my phone for at least 10 minutes. Of course, Sunday night it all starts again with 'It could be this week!'. It's draining me. I had a nightmare last night where Disney wanted me to go in two weeks time, and I remember just crying throughout my dream because after all the hard work and waiting I didn't think I could get everything organised in time. I woke up this morning feeling awful and it hasn't really left me today.

I know I'm lucky to be in this position- don't get me wrong, I know in my head I still have a chance at getting out there so I'm prepared to wait for it. But I've now been waiting since June and I still don't even know if I've got the job or not. I'm sure elite astronauts waiting to find out if they've been chosen for some incredibly dangerous mission to mars don't have this kind of wait!

They say not to put your life on hold for this, but how do I not? I don't even bother trying to start relationships because I just think 'what's the point in starting anything when I could be leaving in a few months?'. I haven't even considered making long term career plans because what's the point in worrying about something like that now when I don't know what I'm doing this next year? I'm working full time- 9 hours five days a week- but barely spending any money on myself in case I need to pay for flights soon. I saw something I want for my room today, but didn't buy it in case I'm leaving soon and I need the money for more practical things. I have two sets of friends that I'd like to go on holiday with this year, neither of which I can plan for. It's just stupid things, like should I sign up for Race for Life this year? Do I get a new phone contract? Should I join the gym? I'm getting scared, because I could have ended up wasting 9 months of my life with nothing to show for it. That's more my fault than anything though- a lot of people who applied with me already had jobs or were still at university so just carried on as normal whereas I was at a 'big decision' stage anyway.

I'm sorry to have had such a big whinge and I know there are people out there currently applying who would probably be envious of me, because at least I haven't had a rejection yet. I know this will all be worth it in the end, otherwise I wouldn't be putting myself through this. it doesn't help that I keep fantasising about getting that phonecall, and trying to figure out how to announce it to everyone, what I need to do first, thinking about which start date would be ideal and in what role. I try and stop myself but I can't help it! I'll hopefully read back over this blog entry in a few months feeling a lot different!

Just to add to the cheesiness I'm gonna end with another Pooh quote, hopefully a more positive one:

'Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there someday.'